what it’s like to be excessively addicted to gambling
my story of being addicted to gambling for 7 years, how I was living a double life and lost all hope that a different existence is possible
From age 18 to 25, I was excessively addicted to gambling. I lost a fortune, I lived a double life and notoriously lied to everyone, I even turned to theft and fraud to finance my addiction. I stole from friends, family, my partner and even her family. I committed fraud multiple times, opening bank accounts and applying for credit under false identities. At my lowest, I even broke into homes to steal money or jewelry. In my twisted addict brain, I told myself I was just “borrowing” and would return it later, ofc that rarely happened.
hitting rockbottom
On other less criminal days, I collected returnable bottles to scrape together enough money to get my fix. It felt like I hit rock bottom multiple times. Back-2-back partners left me after they tried everything to help me. For years, I was extremely miserable, but tbh even at that time, I still did not truly want to quit gambling. I was afraid of the gambling to be over. What would be next for me? No excuses anymore. I would be forced to live my life.
“Compulsive gambling, also called gambling disorder, is the uncontrollable urge to keep gambling despite the toll it takes on your life. Gambling means that you're willing to risk something you value in the hope of getting something of even greater value.” - Source
feeling like a junkie
Even though it was not a substance I was addicted to, I still felt like a junkie. The only days I did not gamble (believe me, it wasn’t a lot of those) were when I ran out of money with absolutely no way of accessing more money. On those days, I was depressed. I had no motivation to do anything, even getting out of bed felt impossible.
Later, I learned that a gambling addiction can mimic substance addiction, the symptoms and withdrawals share a lot in common. It messes with your dopamine system - the famous neurotransmitter responsible for rewards and motivation. So on days when you can’t get your fix, you are basically useless, and not motivated to do anything. The only times I felt truly alive were when I was “high” as in feeling the gambling rush of excitement or on the hunt to be able to gamble soon, knowing that the reward of getting “high” was just within reach. In short, I was an addict. Watching this breathtaking scene from “The Basketball Diaries” starring a young Leonardo Dicaprio hit me hard while watching it during my addiction. Even though heroin is a whole other story in terms of withdrawal pain, I still could very much relate to Jim’s desperation and the pain it caused his mother:
the lil devil inside me
I sometimes thought of my addiction as a little but powerful devil inside me. A devil, who is constantly telling me that I need the addiction, who is constantly making up narratives of why I should continue gambling: “Right now is a shitty time to stop, you just lost. Let’s make up for the lost money and then you can quit.”
The addicted self is afraid of losing the addiction, it’s voice is so loud that it overshadows the voice of reason. At times, it felt like I had lost my free will - that my addiction was stronger than I was, leaving me no choice but to succumb to it. This was the time were I lost faith and trust in myself. I had always thought of myself as a fighter, but after years of being addicted, seeing the mess I created and how little willpower I had left, I just gave in and realised that I was an addict. It was tougher and tougher to uphold my lies and façade, to convince people that I was doing fine.
In the last two years of my addiction, I told everyone involved that I finally managed to be clean. I asked my brother to take care of my financials, he was sort of my legal guardian, he prevented any major disasters from happening. There was absolutely no trust left in my ability to act within reason. When I needed 5 bucks to buy food, I had to ask my brother for it. He was always suspicious and rightfully so, I still tried to get my daily fix and never ran out of inventive ways to get it. My brother had to check on me at all times to prevent more mess in my life and I am eternally grateful to him for doing so.
no one else to blame but myself
Gambling, losing money and repeatedly hurting those you love, go hand in hand with self-loathing. I carried around so much guilt, really hating myself for years, unable to face the person I saw in the mirror and to know that you and solely you created this misery - you did it yourself. No one else to blame. You decided to sneak into your mother’s room and steal from her wallet, to go to the next corner and gamble away the money.
self-loathing & guilt fuelling the addiction
This self-loathing, shame and immense guilt was what fueled my addiction continuously. It felt like it was impossible to accept what I did, paradoxically the only way to briefly escape the guilt, was to continue gambling and at least have a slim hope of winning back the money I had lost. This illusion of hope is what your addicted self is clinging to: “Maybe today is going to be my lucky day and I can make amends.” Reality felt unbearable, so I escaped into this dream world, where I didn’t have to face my failures and shortcomings. Trying to avoid emotional pain, numbing it, dissociating.
seeing through the illusion
Sussing out this illusion is one of the first, most critical steps in recovery. Realising that you don’t need this addiction, you can live without it and be free - it is possible. One won’t end the cycle of addiction just by sheer willpower, you need to understand that you don’t even need this shit - life is so much nicer without it. That you are allowed to forgive yourself and to accept what you did. It is not something to be ashamed about. Overcoming addiction is something to take immense pride in, not shame. Using the pain I caused as a source of motivation to be better, to stop it.
It is not possible if you can’t forgive yourself, the guilt will be too big to overcome. You have to release it. Guilt and shame is what pushes you back into addiction, leaving you no other way to escape. In my next post, I elaborate on what helped me to stop and how I eventually learned to forgive myself.
~ movies with a realistic portrayal of addiction ~
The movies I picked are more related to substances or especially heroin abuse since Hollywood has a tendency to glamorise gambling as part of a lavish casino lifestyle or in a romanticised gangster way like in Snatch, where losing money through gambling is part of a funny, obscure story.
A gambling addiction is not glamorous whatsoever, gambling itself is not even fun. It’s isolating and sucks, which makes it even harder to accept. It feels like a monumental waste of time since you are not even experiencing anything joyful. You are in front of your screen or in dirty, smoky betting rooms with other addicts, while life is happening outside, waiting for you to finally wake up and join in. The true misery and despair of addiction are imo better depicted in other movies related to substances. Here is a selection:
Oslo, August 31st (2011) by Joachim Trier: the second film of the Oslo trilogy by Trier. One day in the life of Anders, a young recovering drug addict, who takes a brief leave from his treatment centre to interview for a job and to catch up with old friends in Oslo: “If someone wants to destroy themselves, society should allow him to do so”
Requiem for a Dream (2000) by Darren Aronofsky: especially this addiction montage is breathtaking, it depicts the repetitive patterns of addiction and the suffocating powerlessness associated with them, you do it over and over and there is no stopping.
Trainspotting (1996) by Danny Boyle: Ofc, any addiction-movie list is incomplete without the Scottish classic. Letterboxd-User Larry’s spot-on take on the trainspotting metaphor: ”The life of a heroin addict could be summed up as the act of watching trains. You are watching hundreds of lives pass you by as the train speeds past. There are people going many different places. There are people coming from heartbreaks and there are people heading towards a new life. The addict isn't a part of all this. He is the bystander. He is just kind of "there" watching everybody move past him.”
Newest addition: The Outrun (2024) by Nora Fingenscheidt: I recently watched this in cinema and Saoirse Ronan's acting is simply mesmerising. A pretty accurate portrayal of (alcohol) addiction and the struggles of going through rehab. It brought back tons of painful memories from my addict life. Some I had pushed away because they were too painful. Like looking into the disappointed eyes of my mother or my partner, seeing how much my misery pains them and how I couldn't stop disappointing and hurting them. Watching it felt at the same time intense and healing.
"I can't be happy sober." & "It never gets easy, it just gets less difficult." Even though I strongly disagree with these quotes, they still hit hard when paired with the hopeless look on her face. Plus the sobering statement in the first rehab meeting "only 10% of you will make it". Another reminder that you probably won't be able to go through recovery if you don't see through the illusion of believing you need the addiction - you don't need it for fun, not for happiness, not for excitement, not for soothing, not for emotional regulation - you don't need it period.