how I managed to end my gambling addiction and learned to forgive myself

sharing what helped me to free myself from the claws of addiction and how I was able to finally show my authentic self after years of lying

a hut in the simien mountains of ethiopia ©

In a previous post, I shared what it was like to be trapped in a seven-year gambling addiction, from the age of 18 to 25. How I lost nearly everything, how I lived a double life and sank into a pit of hopelessness - convinced there was no way out.

my first gamblers anonymous meeting

So, how did I stop? Well, it sounds a bit too straightforward to be true. One day, I finally visited my first Gamblers Anonymous meeting. I had been meaning to go there for a while, but of course, it took me years to actually go. The group consisted of 10 to 15 other gambling addicts, most of them middle-aged fathers - miserable and defeated. Their whole body language was imbued with the weight of guilt and shame. They shared how they spent their entire salary on the first of the month on gambling instead of feeding their families. Hearing these stories, looking at all those wretched faces full of despair, I was hit with a sobering realisation: this will be my future. The misery that I call my life will just continue forever.

what is stopping me from stopping?

After that meeting - on the train ride back home - I asked myself an honest question: what’s really stopping me from quitting right now, once and for all? No more excuses, no more backdoors like: “I’ll stop tomorrow. Just one more gamble. Just one more rush.” What was holding me back from finally coming clean to my family and friends, from telling the truth and for the first time in years not feeding them a bunch of lies?

it’s my choice

I had been waiting for a miracle to save me. But the truth is, I’m the only one who can save me. It’s my choice. No one’s forcing me to keep this going. It’s my choice. I get to decide wether I want to wake up tomorrow and continue with the same old shit I’ve been doing for 7 years. It’s my choice.
Aren’t you tired of all this lying, of all this pain you keep creating, of disappointing everyone around you? How much more suffering do you need? Isn’t it enough?

I decided it was. I decided to stop - today, right now.

coming clean

That very night, I went to see my mother, then my father and brother, and confessed everything. How I had been lying to them, how I hadn’t stopped gambling despite all my promises, and how I had just come from the Gamblers Anonymous meeting and finally want this shit to end. The very next day, I took action and changed everything. I got rid of my smartphone and cut off my access to any internet devices (since they were the devices I used for gambling). I only used a PC twice per week for a couple of minutes, supervised by my brother. For seven years I had gambled almost every damn day, the habits of gambling were so deeply engrained in me. I knew I needed to break those patterns in a far-reaching way. I deleted all my gambling accounts and requested permanent bans. Over the next few weeks, I kept confessing to more and more people, even to friends who had no clue of my addiction at all. Finally being honest and not having to juggle lies, was sooo liberating. I was not forced to remember all this made-up stuff, I just had to remember the truth, and that’s it. The mental capacity freed up by just being honest was hard to believe.

three weeks of solitude - sitting with my emotions

Next, I went on a three-week hike on the Camino de Santiago in Portugal. It was February, and the camino was almost deserted at that time of the year. I only took an old Nokia feature phone, an old iPod touch with a one-hour battery life, and nothing else to distract me during these three weeks of solitude. I had no choice but to sit with my thoughts, my guilt, my loneliness, my regrets. I had to face whatever emotions came up.

After seven years of addiction, I had zero self-trust. I had broken promises to myself time and time again, and those around me had lost their faith in me as well - how could I blame them? It took years to slowly rebuild that trust. Every time money went missing or my mother couldn’t find her wallet, there was suspicion. Maybe I had relapsed? Was I lying again and stealing her money? In truth, I never relapsed - not even once. I didn’t even experience strong cravings. The thing that had destroyed my life and caused so much suffering for me and those around me, all of a sudden, just vanished, and never came back?

healing my fundamental self-rejection

One resource that helped me immensely was a book by Dutch writer Jan Geurtz: “Finally addiction-free”. He describes a method that eliminates withdrawal symptoms, and tbh this lofty praise has proven to be true, at least in my case. (Sadly, there is no English version available, but I highly recommend his other work: “Addicted to love”). I had owned a copy of the book for years but never managed to read it because - deep down - I didn’t really want to quit. I was convinced I needed the addiction. I was also afraid that if I read the book and couldn’t quit afterward, I would have failed again, and my last lifeline would be gone. Geurtz’s method isn’t about willpower, it’s about seeing through the illusion that we think we need the addiction in the first place. It’s about healing our fundamental self-rejection that fuels our dependence as a way to overcome addiction for good.

Highly recommended: “Addicted to love” by Jan Geurtz

“What's more, as a helper you have probably been taught the norm about addicts. This says that it is terribly difficult to free oneself from an addiction and that even those who succeed in doing so remain addicts for the rest of their lives and must be careful not to relapse. Addicts who finally summon up all their courage to seek help are thus subjected to treatment that destroys their already vulnerable motivation, increases their fear of the future and reinforces their delusions about their own weakness.”
An extract from the book to emphasise Geurtz’ approach

The book helped me understand the connection between my addiction and my inner self-rejection. Through its teachings, I began rebuilding my self-trust and confidence. Over the following years, I gradually learned to accept both my past and myself, while revealing and embracing my authentic identity. Less hiding, less fake persona just to impress people. Of course, this is ongoing work - there are weeks when I slip back into my chameleon mode of mimicking those around me and behaving according to their expectations. But I’m getting better at recognising the pattern and reminding myself that I don’t want to fake it anymore. If someone doesn’t like my authentic self, so be it. I don’t need everyone to like me. In fact, it works as a perfect natural filter, helping me weed out people I probably don’t need in my life anyway.

value your past

At times, my regrets about the lost money and time become louder. I see fellow people my age and how “far” they are in life - more successful, more financially secure or whatever - and I feel this deep remorse about my past mistakes. But when those feelings arise, I try to remind myself of the valuable lessons I’ve learned from those difficult years. My father used to tell me: “some people pay for their education at university, you paid for real-life education with the money you lost through gambling.”
And that’s certainly true. This shift in perspective helps me find peace and acceptance with my past.

what’s left of the addiction?

Occasionally, I still dream about gambling - usually panicked nightmares where I’ve relapsed, lost everything. I’ve done something extremely stupid, and now I’m on the run from the police, hiding and cleaning up the mess. When I wake up from those dreams, I’m oftentimes hit with an intense wave of remorse, thinking I’ve relapsed for real. It takes me a few minutes to realise it was just a dream, nothing has happened, and everything is fine. I used to feel ashamed about these dreams. I thought if I was still dreaming about this shit, it must mean I was still addicted. But I’ve come to accept them as part of a subconscious healing process - a sign that I’m working through the trauma and moving forward.

bird in the sky - words by melody beattie ©

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If you or someone you know is struggling with addiction, there are a few key messages I want to share:

1. Belief: It is possible to free yourself from addiction. Even if it feels completely out of reach right now and you’ve lost all faith in yourself, know that change is possible. I, too, had no hope and I managed to end it. It’s never too late to stop and you’ll never regret it. Believe in yourself - you can do this.

2. Forgiveness: You are allowed to forgive yourself. Nothing you’ve done is beyond forgiveness. And forgiving yourself isn’t about letting yourself off the hook easily. The true act of redemption is to actually stop the harmful behaviour. It is so much easier to forgive someone if the person has at least found healing, and it feels like the suffering and pain were not in vain.

3. Habits of addiction: You must break with the habits of your addiction, whatever habitual practices were connected to it, you have to change them. For the first few months, it needs to be nearly impossible to even access the addictive substance or behaviour. You need to avoid having a weak moment where your habitual tendencies let you fall into relapse. The more obstacles you place between yourself and a relapse, the more time you have to think and make a different decision. In the case of gambling, if you can simply log into your online gambling account and be able to bet on a game within minutes, this is way too easy. If you were friends with other addicts and used to get “high” together, you should probably cut ties with them or even inspire them to liberate themselves as well. Over time, you’ll need those restrictions less and less, but in the beginning, you need to break the habits and not be overconfident.

4. Financials: Another important task is to do a full check of your financial situation. In my case, it was a full-blown financial disaster - I should have filed for personal bankruptcy, but I did not. Seek some professional debt counselling, they will have clever advice on how to get out of the debt. In my case, the financial pressure was always an engine for the addiction, as I believed there was no other way to make up the losses other than gambling. “No way I am going to be able to pay off these debts with regular work.” But that wasn’t true. I was able to pay them off. It took years, but I eventually paid everything off. The relief of being debt-free was and still is amazing.

5. Emotional regulation: Many people use addiction to soothe their nervous system and regulate emotions. It’s essential to find healthier outlets for your emotional regulation. I was not able to regulate my emotions without gambling. Find new hobbies, do stuff that is joyful. Sports or any kind of movement is amazing. Dancing and music in general can be immensely healing. For me, getting back into cultural activities was soo helpful. I enjoyed finally having the time to go to a museum or to the cinema, since I was not wasting it on gambling anymore. Stopping the addiction and doing other stuff is way more fun than the dreadful and repetitive act of gambling anyway. Almost every addict has a list of things, we loved to do when we were younger but abandoned because of the all-swallowing addiction. Now is the time to get back into them. At first, your brain will still be wired to seek the thrills of gambling and may be bored with “regular” stuff, but over time you can find other healthier thrills with fewer risks involved.

6. Opening up: I got so used to lying and hiding stuff, that it was such a relief to finally be honest and open up about my addiction. It is truly helpful to talk about it. Find a support group or therapist, talk to your friends and family, and really make it a habit to be honest and to be open about everything. Addiction is absolutely nothing to be ashamed about, it is an illness. Yet, if you can manage to overcome it, you can be immensely proud of yourself.

the 12 steps recovery program - approaching recovery one day and one step at a time

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~ self-forgiveness affirmations ~

1. I am able to heal from the hurt and pain of what I have caused.

2. I forgive myself one day at a time until it’s complete.

3. I am capable of moving beyond my mistakes.

4. I can only share my gift with the world if I first forgive myself.

5. I am able to heal from the hurt and pain of what I have caused.

6. I forgive others as I forgive myself: with ease, sincerity and loving compassion.

7. You have not wasted your time, you don’t need to make up for lost time.

8. My past opened me up to my ability to bring healing, help and hope to others.

9. I value my past.

10. I am allowed to forgive myself and move on.