all bets are off - a poem on gambling away my life
gambling is the only addiction where the next hit can solve all your problems
lying, stealing, betraying
plotting, hiding, faking, hoping
clinging to the hope
clinging to the delusion
maybe today is going to be my lucky day
numbing my pain with the thrill
numbing my guilt with the hope
escaping
feeling the kick
feeling the rush
crushing the hope
waking up from my dream
awaking to a nightmare
disbelief
this can’t be true
the sobering realisation
daunting, horrifying
looking in the mirror
what have you done? what have I done?
can’t erase it
no way back
the consequences of my actions dawning on me
the weight of my misdeeds collapsing on top of me
my madness right in front of me
guilt, guilt, guilt
shame, shame, shame
wishing to disappear and never reappear
PS: if you or someone you know is struggling with addiction and can’t find a way out, please feel free to reach out to me or seek a support group in your area. there is help, there is hope. you don’t have to do this alone. there is a way out <3
more writings on addiction:
how I managed to end my gambling addiction and learned to forgive myself
In a previous post, I shared what it was like to be trapped in a seven-year gambling addiction, from the age of 18 to 25. How I lost nearly everything, how I lived a double life and sank into a pit of hopelessness—convinced there was no way out.
what it’s like to be excessively addicted to gambling
From age 18 to 25, I was excessively addicted to gambling. I lost a fortune, I lived a double life and notoriously lied to everyone, I even turned to theft and fraud to finance my addiction. I stole from friends, family, my partner and even her family. I committed fraud multiple times, opening bank accounts and applying for credit under false identities…
on the harmful myth of "once an addict, always an addict"
The quotes in the picture stem from the marvellous movie “The Outrun” by Nora Fingenscheidt, telling the story of Rona (incredibly played by Saoirse Ronan), struggling with an alcohol addiction and her journey through recovery. The film is an honest portrayal of addiction and its destructiveness. Hence, it also includes some common beliefs around addict…